Dear 40 year old me,
So those 20 years went by fast and I wonder if your still the same girl who wrote this 240 months ago..
Here now, aged a few weeks shy of 20 my brain races forward with thoughts of the future, of the you reading this now but I very much live in the past.

I grieve badly, I ache even more so for stability & guidance.
In a generation that swims in the ocean, i paddle in a bowl..
Have you fixed this? Please say you have..
In a world full off people are you still lonely? Have you made it? Are you happy? Please say you are.

The nights that spoilt the mornings they turned into lost years. Please say you've stop listening to thoughts who didnt listen to you?
Remember, remember me. It hurts right? Never. Ever be this you, your destined for more, even I know that.

Do you have enough to make you smile? Are you thankful? I don't wish you to have everything, i never wanted you to have everything, just enough to keep your head high but your feet still grounded..

I hope I taught you a lot, I hope you kept the memories and used them wisely. Did the crying make your tears stronger or Do you still take hours to fall asleep?
Did the laughter make you keep the faith or Do you still hide behind a smile?
Are you still me, have the years made you bitter or better?
Do risks still make you shake? Do changes still scare you? Do you plan ahead now or still believe you won't be around next week?
The people we know now, do they know the older you? Do they like this you or new you better? Have I lost many people I love or do they still surround you? Go and see them. You never did it enough in 2012, it's 20 years late, do it now..

Have you aged gracefully? Do you have regrets? Do you still surround yourself with childhood things and items from happier times? Do you still own that little white chair?
Do you cling on to memories of being 20?
Do you wish you were me?

Your not dead yet. Change what's making you sad, smile more, do everything you wanted to do 20 years ago and didn't..
Be emotional, crazy, random, confused and stay true to your roots but for god sake Jenna, be you!
Live a lot, laugh even more and be bloody happy because you weren't back then.
Enjoy the rest of your days,
Forever you, J x

July, how I despise thee.

Call me bitter, say its self loathing but i did not deserve your pain infused days. Your twisted hands of fate hit me hard and kept on twisting.
Just like a tornado, you shocked me but the after effects, the hole in my soul that you created, the long lasting legacy of horrid is what will hurt the most.
You have tainted my life.
July you nasty annual burden! How dare you be so vicious.
Rip out my heart, stamp on my toes then come back exactly one year onto repeat your evil process.
Not again, oh no not to me. I refuse to lay down, roll over, stand back and let you do this to me ever.ever.ever.again.
You may have won the battle but my darling the war is still mine to be won.
Oh July, why be cruel?
Long gone the month where your days were a pleasure to me.
I hope you are happy, you made me cry. False smiles, blocked out memories every single July.
All 31 days I wish to erase, touched by pain and containing my fragile secrets & raw emotions.
You come & you go, you keep taking but never giving.
Your poison.
You leave hearts shattered, lives incomplete far to often, far to easily.
Oh July, oh horrid, vulgar July, how I despise thee.

Thoughts for thoughts..

These days in this room i see walls, a box, a shelter, a well built house.. Over the past year you took the bricks out of my old wall, smashed them down & then you helped me rebuild a stonger wall, together we laid the foundations of this little room, cemented over the cracks of the past and put tiny little windows in so a selected few could look into our tiny little bubble. We closed the door, shut out the world for days on end inside this room, inside this house we built and as the bad weather came, the storms that nearly broke us, the rain that threatened to flood us and the snow that nearly buried us, we stayed here, we came back home to this every night, huddled together, safe, happy, together... These days i come into this little house alone, i look around, i check over the cracks we concreted over, seeing if they've got bigger. I look out of them tiny windows, seeing if anyone can see still see the fire that once burned. I push against the walls,the walls you helped me rebuild kicking and punching at them, checking they are still there, still solid, that we are still standing.. and then i sit in the corner, alone and i listen to that thunder come, the snow pile up outside, the rain hit the window, the storm rock our foundations & for the first time i get scared... that rain is just little bit faster, the snow is a little bit colder and that storm a little more fierce. its getting closer, its scary on my own without you here. the shelter no longer shelters me when I'm alone.. this little room, in this little house cant handle the weather, the cracks or the eyes looking in, alone.. this room, this safe place needs more than me to keep it standing.. this room is crumbling.. this room needs more concrete over the newly formed cracks, it needs its foundations re laying.. it needs two people.. two people that once stood strong through anything.. two people who can fight anything, any storm.. I need this room.. I need your safety.. it needs you, we need you..I need you